I have shamelessly used an article from the Internet which is quite outrageous and politically incorrect satire; please take it as it is meant.
Why shouldn’t anti-preppers have lists, too? After all, they are going to need to learn a vast array of dangerous and totally gross new skills to survive, such as standing in food lines, looting retail stores and giving BJs in barter for medicine.
Frankly, I think all of us in the prepper community have been a bit discriminatory in not providing “unpreparedness lists” for all those who plan to be unprepared. After all, their necessary skills are much more difficult to master than ours! It’s way more difficult, for example, to learn how to give BJs for food than it is to just store some extra food in the first place, so the anti-preppers really have their work cut out for them. They need to start training now!
It might also be useful for them to engage in “anti-prepper foreign exchange programs” where clueless city-dwelling liberal Americans who think socialism is awesome are flown to Venezuela for a few months, where they get to witness a collapsing socialist utopia in its full glory (while learning unpreparedness skills they can use back home in the coming collapse).
In the hope of helping anti-preppers acquire the skills they need to be fully unprepared, I’ve assembled this list of extremely useful unpreparedness skills they can start learning and practising right now.
Skill #1) Standing in line for 12 hours at a time
- As Venezuelan citizens have rudely discovered, your No. 1 activity in a collapse will be standing in line. Not just one line, mind you, but lots of different lines.
- First, there’s the FEMA line where they don’t give you food.
- Then there’s another line for medication at the hospital where they don’t give you medication.
You’ll also need to find a line for government-issued water (sanitized with chlorine, of course), government-issued toilet paper and government-issued newspapers that keep you informed of what an amazing job the government is doing of keeping you standing in lines.
Fortunately for you, the government is already preparing a nationwide network of comfortable camps for anti-preppers, where you can concentrate your work efforts to help the government in exchange for food and protection. These are sort of like summer camps, but they will operate year-round. These resort-like “vacation camps” are run by FEMA, which upholds essentially the same comfort standards as the Hyatt Regency.
Skill #2) Looting retail establishments for desperate supplies
After you’re done standing in line, you’ll discover that the government isn’t really prepared to help you. Then, you’ll resort to looting retail establishments, joining with all the other looters who have arrived at the same conclusion.
Unfortunately for you, only the very first looters get the loot, and the first looters are going to be the more street-wise people (gangs, hoodlums, etc.) who are technically far more informed about how quickly society can collapse.
TIP: How to tell the difference between looting geniuses and looting morons: The geniuses are the ones taking the medical supplies. The morons are the ones stealing big screen TVs.
Unless you start looting immediately, you will be too late to loot anything of much value. While everyone else will have looted items of real barter value — tampons, coffee, bottled water and ammo — you’ll be stuck with a store full of holiday gift cards, portable MP3 players and useless iPhones.
Hence, the need to brush up on your looting skills ahead of time. How do you accomplish that? Buy a hoodie and move to Ferguson, Missouri, then wait for another riot to begin. Once the looting begins, dash for the nearest pharmacy and steal some stuff! (Be sure to set fire to it on your way out, because burning up local businesses is just another way to demonstrate how much you’re totally committed to social justice.)
Skill #3) Unintentional fasting (also known as starvation)
If you’re not used to going without food — and you refuse to store any — you may want to practice fasting.
Just to be clear on the definitions:
“Fasting” is the term used to describe intentional starvation.
“Starvation” is the term used to describe unintentional fasting.
Anti-preppers need to become familiar with starvation ahead of time so that it’s not such a shock to their system when the starvation begins.
An easy way to practice this is to just stop eating for a few days at a time and see what happens. (Drink water, obviously, or you’ll die and be turned into human jerky, see below.)
If you find that you don’t like starvation and don’t wish to participate in practicing it, then you may wish to store some damn food so that you don’t have to starve when things go wrong in society.
Skill #4) Making human jerky with a solar food dehydrator
Heck, who needs emergency food storage when there’s already so much food walking around at the office?
Yep, cannibalism is the last-ditch food storage strategy for the chronically unprepared.
Unfortunately for vegans and clean food enthusiasts, human meat is heavily contaminated with mercury, lead, cadmium and toxic chemicals — mostly due to all the vaccines, toxic personal care products and contaminated food that people eat. I’m not even sure that human jerky would pass USDA inspection standards for beef… and those inspection standards aren’t very stringent to begin with.
But human meat is “free range” and “fair trade,” so it’s probably worthy of eating anyway. (It’s definitely not Non-GMO Project Verified, unfortunately, as most buffet-munching obese Americans have essentially been raised on the same GM corn grain used to fatten cows.)
Nevertheless, if you’re an anti-prepper, you may want to acquire an Excalibur food dehydrator now — a device you’ll need to make human jerky sticks that you can barter for other necessities. If the grid is down, you’ll need a solar-powered food dehydrator, so you might want to start building that now. BONUS: If you use solar power to make human jerky, it’s eco-friendly human jerky!
Once all this is in place, all you need is human flesh. Fortunately, thanks to Planned Parenthood, you no longer have to think of this as actual “human flesh.” Instead, you can tell yourself you’re only dealing with “tissue samples” that seemingly have nothing to do with living, breathing human beings. And because most anti-preppers are also strong advocates of mass abortions, they already have the psychological skills to lie to themselves about what’s living vs. dead in the first place!
Skill #5) Playing the victim and blaming someone else for your stupidity
When things go wrong and you find yourself totally unprepared, it’s crucial to blame somebody else.
This is a skill set already possessed by Obama supporters, leftists and other ideological “victimology” experts who think nothing is ever their fault. (…essentially, every professor at a liberal arts university.)
When the stuff hits the fan and you have no food, no water, no internet, no silver coins, no cash, no medicine and no idea what just happened, the obvious answer is to blame the Tea Party.
If you can’t blame the Tea Party, find some white people to blame somewhere, preferably heterosexual macho males who own guns. It’s GOTTA be their fault, right? They own GUNS, for cryin’ out loud! And they act like MEN! (That’s just gotta be wrong at some level, doesn’t it?)
Full credit to the originator of this – whoever they are………